Saturday, October 11, 2008

will it all fall into place?

Well it really has been about 100 years since i updated this again.
I seem to forget or not find time to write on here ever anymore.
Its also just that i dont have anything exciting going on to write about in the first place.
We visited the Dr before the start of this cycle, to get Aarons 3rd s/a checked out and we were given fantastic news. It looks like he is not going to be a factor in this anymore, he is very happy about that.
I on the other hand have many mixed emotions about it.
On one hand i am wrapped that we dont have to worry about that, but on the other hand, it just makes me mad that this hasnt worked yet?!
I mean we are getting me ovulate month after month, i take those stupid pills that make me all sorts of messed up, physically and mentally.
And nothing. So i just think that there is more going on with me that we dont know about yet.
Anyway, the outcome of the visit is that we are going to try 8 more months (rounds) of clomid, we have already done 4 and i am currently on my 5th, so all up, one whole year of it. ugh!
Neither of us are excited about the idea of it, we both know what sort of things it does to me, and in return does to us.
But its the only choice we have right now while we are planning the wedding, there is no way we could do everything we want to do as well as take on IVF, which after the 12 rounds of clomid are finished and done with the Dr wants to discuss.
We both really hope we dont have to step into that...
although i have said on numerous occasions to Aaron that i think the toll IVF takes would be less work than month after month of Clomid and BFNs. At least i would know in my on mind that we would be in for a really great chance, and half of the work is already done.

Basically i would choose to go the IVF route right now if we had the funds handy, not this way we are doing right now.
I'm not greedy, i'm not asking for more than i need, more would be fantastic, but i know that the chances are low, just one, just one of "us" is all we would ever hope for.
I was an only child, and up until 5 or so years ago, so was Aaron, we know its not a completely terrible thing.
I have sat back alot after this last few cycles and just asked myself why? why is this not working?
I realise that the timing is not the greatest, we have alot of stuff going on in life atm, trying to plan a wedding, and wanting to buy a home and car etc, but it is very difficult to be ok with not getting pregnant when there are so many people around us, in far worse situations, who should NOT be having children and who have been given the children they have because of a "mistake".
Where is our mistake then?
I find it amazing that a drug addict, or a prostitute or hell, a family who pride themselves on living off of the welfare system can have 100 babies if they want, and we are actively trying, taking pills, changing diets and lifestyles and nothing!
Shopping for baby things for other people is an extreme struggle, and i have dealt with that recently...part of me was so excited to be able to hand over money for baby clothes and blankets and everything else i got, but the truth of it all was sitting on my right shoulder whispering in my ear, reminding me that its not for me and that it may never will be.
What made it far worse were the circumstances in my buying it all in the first place.

Anyway, i can go on and on about how much this all does my head in, the way the world works, what you want you dont get and then someone who doesnt want it gets it the next day etc etc.
But i wont, because anyone who is in this IF position knows what i am talking about.

So the new job is going good, i have been there 3 weeks now and although it is very hard on my brain most of the time, i get paid well enough to make me want to keep going
The people are nice, friendly and seem to be a great team.
The hours are what i want, there is an opportunity for me if i want it at times.
All in all i cant complain. I just wish i could enjoy it more by not feeling so unwell all of the time.
Aaron is still hating his job, nuff said about will find something else when he is ready and knows what he wants to do.

So thats the update for today, i am going to try and update this more, if i can find time between, work, wedding and of course....trying to battle IF.


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