Its the best looking black spot ever!

So that is our baby...well the start of our baby anyway.We got to see him/her yesterday in the very first ultrasound.As you can see, there is not alot there lol, but i assure you, he/she is growing up big and strong. Due to it being so early we cant see a heartbeat yet but we are booked in for the 20th November to see the little ticker beating away at 7w2d. By then the Dr will also be able to see the full outline of the baby, and he/she will have started to grow arms and legs etc which will be very exciting.
Now 2 weeks of waiting again...and how very anxious i am to see the little blob again to know he/she is doing ok and i am doing enough to keep him/her ok.
My dr said this next two weeks are a big step, and if we see it through without a miscarriage or any other hiccup then its a fantastic sign that the little blob is happy.
I hope thats the case!!
All i can do, is eat when i'm hungry, sleep when i'm tired, drink plenty of water and make sure i take my daily vitamins to give our little "ricey" the best chance he/ she can have.
Also, we have named him/her "ricey" as right now its about the size of a grain of rice :)
Today i went and had all of my first round of blood tests and urine samples to make sure my immunisations etc are up to scratch as well as blood types, and some stuff to do with antibodies, and to check for the known diseases etc.There were 7 things of blood and my arm went a little weird, but we got through it.
There is so much waiting in this pregnancy thing.
I'm not good at waiting...but i think i will learn very quickly how to be.

Week Five
First heartbeats begin - If you have an early ultrasound you may not be able to recognize this tiny being as a baby, but there is no mistaking what it feels like seeing your child's heartbeat on that screen. That rhythmic beat is echoed in your own heart.
Umbilical cord develops - This is your baby's lifeline in utero. It bears the responsibility of pumping in oxygen, removing waste, and supplying the necessary nutrients for the remainder of your pregnancy.
Blood is now pumping - All four heart chambers are now functioning, insuring your baby's body will receive all it needs over not only the remainder of your pregnancy but throughout life.
Most other organs begin to develop - Your infant's lungs start to appear, along with her brain. Already your little one is preparing for a quest for lifelong learning!
Arm and leg buds appear - While they may not appear to be much at this stage it is ok to dream of the future. Just imagine your ballerina twirling and jumping around your kitchen floor. Or perhaps you will have the precocious boy that throws the perfect pitch -- right through the neighbor's window.

first scare...well technically 2nd!

I just had the worst scare ever!
My dr just rang me out of the blue on a saturday to basically tell me i was going to have a miscarriage!!
I freaked out.i said what??????????
He said your tests that i had done on tuesday were HCG 130 ...and the 2nd tests that you had done were sent to me (i had that one done through my GP but with the same lab to get a correct count) and he said, it has only come back at 93...so its going down...i freaked out again!
I said wait! your receptionist told me on wednesday that my levels were 36, and 130 was progesterone????he was adamant that they were 130. and that it had gone down...

...he then said, oh wait!, no they have labeled it wrong on this sheet that was sent to me. it was 36, progesterone 130.

I cant take anymore of this incompetance!!!!!

i had to do another test today and my line is nice and dark....but not even that makes me feel better anymore.

Bloodwork Results

So on tuesday i had my first blood drawn to confirm evreything and to see how my levels were...
HCG was 36 and Progesterone was 130. I am pregnant.
I wanted the HCG to be higher but it was still within normal. The progesterone leaves me a bit curious as it is extremely high for this early on, that is 2nd trimester high, and i am not on any suppliments.This could very well indicate that i realeased more than one egg...so much of me wishes i had have taken the drs offers to look the other day to see how many i dropped.

Well i got my 2nd bloodwork back today, HCG is 93...the first was 36 ,2 days ago...so i dont know. it just seems so low.the stupid woman on the phone to my dr with the results said that meant i wasnt pregnant and my dr told her to work out how to do her job, because it has almost tripled.i feel horrible it really scared me and now its all i can think about and i want to kill her,whoever she is.He saw that i was upset and assured me that they count it as anything over 2 is pregnant.i was just hoping for a massive rise, to feel really safe behind.He said it is very low, and that i need to take it very easy for a couple of weeks...practically do nothing, but that it looks good that it has more than doubled,( its actually x2.6)my progesterone is at 120. He told me that will fluctuate...i just dont know...
the test i took today at home had the test line stronger than the control line which made me feel a little at ease.Its the darkest it has been yet.
I am already very very fatigued and i get bad nausea mainly in the afternoons-night, i find myself needing to snack alot or my hypoglycemia acts up really badly, i get shaky and faint i am also always dehydrated.
I'm a bit scared of the fact that i am already feeling pretty lousy alot of the time and its so very early...it better not get beyond bareable.I have alot of aches and pains and cramps today and its freaking me out.

thursday really cannot come any faster, i am offically a wreck in my own head.
Please stick little bean(s)!

WE ARE PREGNANT!!.........finally!

Arent they just wonderful?? :)
We are officially pregnant and could not be happier. After months and months of hard work and hormones and horrible tears we have met our goal.
I got that first test 2 days before AF was due and it is perfectly dark as of today, today makes 4 weeks pregnant.woo!
Yesterday Aaron and I got fitted into my ob/gyn at the last minute and he requested blood samples off me to check how low or high my hormone levels are and to make sure my progesterone was at a good strong level, and he booked us in for our first ultrasound on thursday 6th November at 12pm :)
I am sooo nervous and excited to see whats going on in there.
Aaron is convinced that it is going to be twins and apparently has been all along this cycle, (as well as deciding that he "knew" i was pregnant over a week ago") lol. My dr thinks there is a very high chance there are two in there because of the way things are going.
I'm excited either way, but freaking out that it is going to disappear on me and i wont see anything, no little dot (s) on the screen, my dr is convinced he will be able to see a heartbeat (s) on the day of my ultrasound...i'm nt holding my breath, i think it will be too early.
So now we just wait...sit back, try to relax and wait until we see what we have created.
I get my first bloodtests back tomorrow, and i have another one done tomorrow to make sure my quantitive levels are close to doubling every 48 hours, which is the best indication that things are going good. fingers crossed they are nice and high and this little bean sticks, and grows into a happy healthy baby...or babies :)
Aaron is offically spastic for my Dr, he really rates him highly, and thats so good.
Just as we walked out the other day the Dr said "congrats" and Aaron's face lit up and he smiled really big, he said that eharing it from the Dr made it so much more different.
It was very cute.

Oh and the receptionist is being s nice to me now! Maybe because she knows she will have to put up with me more regularily or something, i dont know, but i hated her and now she is bareable.lol.
This is going o be the slowest time of my life...with each day comes another worry or concern.Until the baby is big enough to feel on a daily basis i wont rest, and even then i wont rest if i dont feel it as much one day to the next.lol.
We are planning our wedding and now the baby will be here before even then!!
So much of me wonders how we will even do it all, but we are both smart people, and we have survived this far...we reached our first goal, i'm sure we can reach the rest :)
We are going to take as much help and support from friends and family as we can get, and we hope that it\they are spoilt enough until the wedding is out of the way and we can spoil them more ourselves.
We will be due 7th july (just before my 25th birthday!).
But will inevitably give birth in June as it will be an automatic c-section. This gives us approx 3 months between birth and the wedding, and after my recovery time we should have about a month to go.
The only hassle about this is the fact that i will not be able to order my dress until the very last minute because i will not know how much post baby weight i will shed.
Lets hope it all comes together!


Weeks One through Four
Ovulation occurs - The time is right; now you just need this egg to be fertilized!
Conception occurs - Did you know that during your pregnancy that your uterus will increase its capacity by 1000 times?!
Gender is determined - Immediately upon fertilization your little one is set as a boy or a girl. Ladies, this is one that you can't take credit for since it is up to the sperm to determine the sex of your baby. Sperm carries either a "X" (girl) chromosome or a "Y" (boy) chromosome. (*Hint:* You will have to hold off on picking out the pink or blue until at least the second trimester when the gender will be visible via ultrasound.)
Implantation - Some spotting (also known as implantation bleeding) may occur about 10 - 14 days after conception. You may believe you are starting your period but generally this bleeding is extremely light and lasts only a day or so.
Neural tube forms - It will develop into the nervous system (Brain, spinal cord, hair, and skin). Already your baby has the foundation for thought, senses, feeling, and more!
Heart and primitive circulatory system rapidly form - While still in its beginning stages, this is the very life support system that will carry your child throughout his or her life.

will it all fall into place?

Well it really has been about 100 years since i updated this again.
I seem to forget or not find time to write on here ever anymore.
Its also just that i dont have anything exciting going on to write about in the first place.
We visited the Dr before the start of this cycle, to get Aarons 3rd s/a checked out and we were given fantastic news. It looks like he is not going to be a factor in this anymore, he is very happy about that.
I on the other hand have many mixed emotions about it.
On one hand i am wrapped that we dont have to worry about that, but on the other hand, it just makes me mad that this hasnt worked yet?!
I mean we are getting me ovulate month after month, i take those stupid pills that make me all sorts of messed up, physically and mentally.
And nothing. So i just think that there is more going on with me that we dont know about yet.
Anyway, the outcome of the visit is that we are going to try 8 more months (rounds) of clomid, we have already done 4 and i am currently on my 5th, so all up, one whole year of it. ugh!
Neither of us are excited about the idea of it, we both know what sort of things it does to me, and in return does to us.
But its the only choice we have right now while we are planning the wedding, there is no way we could do everything we want to do as well as take on IVF, which after the 12 rounds of clomid are finished and done with the Dr wants to discuss.
We both really hope we dont have to step into that...
although i have said on numerous occasions to Aaron that i think the toll IVF takes would be less work than month after month of Clomid and BFNs. At least i would know in my on mind that we would be in for a really great chance, and half of the work is already done.
Basically i would choose to go the IVF route right now if we had the funds handy, not this way we are doing right now.
I'm not greedy, i'm not asking for more than i need, more would be fantastic, but i know that the chances are low, just one, just one of "us" is all we would ever hope for.
I was an only child, and up until 5 or so years ago, so was Aaron, we know its not a completely terrible thing.
I have sat back alot after this last few cycles and just asked myself why? why is this not working?
I realise that the timing is not the greatest, we have alot of stuff going on in life atm, trying to plan a wedding, and wanting to buy a home and car etc, but it is very difficult to be ok with not getting pregnant when there are so many people around us, in far worse situations, who should NOT be having children and who have been given the children they have because of a "mistake".
Where is our mistake then?
I find it amazing that a drug addict, or a prostitute or hell, a family who pride themselves on living off of the welfare system can have 100 babies if they want, and we are actively trying, taking pills, changing diets and lifestyles and nothing!
Shopping for baby things for other people is an extreme struggle, and i have dealt with that recently...part of me was so excited to be able to hand over money for baby clothes and blankets and everything else i got, but the truth of it all was sitting on my right shoulder whispering in my ear, reminding me that its not for me and that it may never will be.
What made it far worse were the circumstances in my buying it all in the first place.

Anyway, i can go on and on about how much this all does my head in, the way the world works, what you want you dont get and then someone who doesnt want it gets it the next day etc etc.
But i wont, because anyone who is in this IF position knows what i am talking about.

So the new job is going good, i have been there 3 weeks now and although it is very hard on my brain most of the time, i get paid well enough to make me want to keep going there.lol.
The people are nice, friendly and seem to be a great team.
The hours are what i want, there is an opportunity for me if i want it at times.
All in all i cant complain. I just wish i could enjoy it more by not feeling so unwell all of the time.
Aaron is still hating his job, nuff said about that.lol.He will find something else when he is ready and knows what he wants to do.

So thats the update for today, i am going to try and update this more, if i can find time between, work, wedding and of course....trying to battle IF.