Thursday, June 25, 2009
I started to have a freak out last night, it was bound to start eventually and I'm surprised it hasn't already really.
The freaking out is not so much about beginning parenthood and all that comes after the baby is born, its more so everything leading up to him being out and those few days- weeks afterwards.
After having the appointment with the anesthesiologist during the week i came home a little disappointed as it turns out all available pain meds for the surgery are going to be morphine based, and of course, i have a less than desirable reaction to morphine by throwing up continuously amongst other things.
Anything else they can offer me, either wont have enough of an effect and would be pointless, or would affect me wanting to breastfeed.
So basically i have been told that the whole thing is going to be trial and error, and i few things will be tried and we will go with whatever makes the least amount of discomfort and illness.Oh joy.
I found out also that even the spinal block, which is what i will be having to go in, in the first place is a morphine/anesthesia mix and i can expect to get sick pretty much within 10 Min's of it being inserted.
This is the one fear i have head all along, that, i will be stupid sick and not enjoy the first few days of him being born, and of course, be so much more useless because of it as well.
So lucky Aaron will be there for the days i am in, and i just have to get through the nights on my own until he is allowed back in, in the morning to help again.
That first night, tomorrow night is going to be hell i imagine.
I imagine i am going to be quite ill, and not the nicest of people to be around, going by my post op history with anything to do with morphine.
They have a 12 hour mark that you are not even allowed to attempt to get up until you have hit, as your bladder is the last thing to get complete feeling and movement back in after the spinal wears off, and they will not take the catheter out until they know you can walk...and they WILL push you to do it.
i will hit that 12 hour mark sometime during the night, and no one will be in visiting hours to be there and support me in it.By the time Aaron is back in the morning, i would be expected to have gotten up and gone to the toilet on my own etc, and should be at least able to have a shower when he arrives.
I am terrified of what the spinal is going to feel like when they put it in, Aaron cant even be in the room for that we have been told.
Terrified of feeling that first onset of nausea kicking in and wondering just how long it will last.
The surgery itself i wont even go into! If this wasn't my only option, this whole c-section thing would be my LAST choice in the way this baby comes into the world.
Wondering if Aaron will even be able to handle being in for the whole procedure to start with too, or if it will all be too much for him as well.
Anxious as all hell to see what our little "lumpy" figure is going to look like, and if he is going to be perfectly fine physically and mentally.If he is going to need assistance with breathing etc and if i will even want him near me straight away.
Absolutely terrified of the whole breastfeeding thing.Will i be able to do it, will he be able to do it, how much are the contractions of the cervix going to hurt doing it since that seems to be most peoples complaints after a c-section.
Will he cry and cry all night long when i feel helpless and cant just stand up and get him on my own and Aaron is not there to help?
Am i even going to know how to hold him without breaking him?
Bath him without drowning him?
Change his nappy without picking him up and it just falling off? lol.
I guess when we wake up tomorrow morning, every single one of those things will be answered pretty quickly.
At that is not as comforting as it should be.
Can we turn back time? Can we have a few more weeks to prepare??
This is happening.
This is happening, now.
Posted by Stacey at 9:30 AM